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SUMMER / FALL 2019      © 2019 812 Magazine

8 Hoosiers you might know


\0xFEFF"Hoosier"... such a broad term, right? We come from all different walks of life, and like snowflakes, no two people you meet from Indiana will be exactly the same. But in the name of good fun, 812 asked former Indiana poet Laureate Norbert Krapf, author Frank Bill and other Southern Indiana natives to draw upon their life experiences and Hoosier knowledge to come up with eight different types of Hoosiers you might encounter in our great state.

  1. The Hoosier Hoopster shot the lights out of every high school gym for three counties back in the day, or so they say. Hoopsters were raised with a hoop nailed up in the drive, and can't resist the temptation to let one fly when they see a lonely waste basket in the corner.
  2. The Rustic Re-Inventor breathes life into molten glass and chokes porcelain brilliance from lumpy wet clay. After walking out on their 9-to-5 lives in a big city, the Rural Re-Inventors came to the countryside to grab life with their bare hands. The Rural Re-Inventors can be found toiling away in their at-home studios, huddled over blue flames and canvas instead of computer screens.
  3. The Happy Hunter exalts in the Second Amendment and the friendship of a loyal dog, and always brings home enough wild meat and morel mushrooms to feed the family. The Happy Hunter is proud, and his hunting wisdom has been passed down since the pioneer days when wild game flourished where shopping malls now stand.
  4. The Dairy Queen might not have grow up churning burning butter, but her uncanny ability to hone in on the nearest soft-serve ice cream cone in her area is unrivaled for three counties. Her scepter is a waffle cone, and her throne is the bench outside her favorite ice cream hut.
  5. The Knob Goblin has plunged to the dankest depths of Squire Boone Caverns and scrambled up the steepest slopes of Floyd's Knobs. A lover of Smartwool socks and sturdy walking sticks, he or she hits the trails early in the day before the summer sun heats up and the afternoon showers roll in. The Knob Goblin can found on top of the Henryville fire tower, spitting sunflower seeds and watching the sun rise on the Ohio River.
  6. The Tenderloin Muncher grew up with the taste of pork on the tongue, and has never been able to shake it. The Tenderloin Muncher is addicted to ketchup and pickles, and can be found waiting impatiently wherever grease pops.
  7. The Freedom Fighters are hardworking moralists and defenders of the Constitution. The Stars and Stripes are their pride, and many have served or have family in the military. They can be found at the VFW bundling care packages for our boys overseas and crooning Bruce Springsteen on karaoke night.
  8. The Neo Hillbilly loves Newgrass and the Beatles, too. These country-fried rockers yearn for the Big Beat, and congregate wherever the holy names of Scruggs, Monroe, and Stanley are heard. For the Neo Hillbilly, the road to the Promised Land is paved with fast pickin'.